Who has the most influence on your children? The answer to that question does change over time depending on the child's age - or at least that is what most parents think. But look again at the question: "Who has the MOST influence on your children?". The answer to that depends a bit on you, the parent.
"Survey says!" Remember the game show Family Feud? That was the host's big line. Survey after survey has indicated that it is the parents who have the most influence - even well into the teenage years. Search Institute has done much in this area, and while you are there check out their work on 40 developmental assets - more on that in another blog. George Barna also has done much work in this area.
That is what the survey says. What do you say? Parents are the most influential - by design - but not by default. That means you have to believe you are and act as if you are. You really are the most influential people in your children's life, hands down. Great responsibility and great opportunity!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Generations
I'm spending some time with our daughter and son-in-law and their daughter Charlotte. Wonderful to spend time with our granddaughter. I saw a picture the other day of 6 generations together. The Great, Great, Great Grandmother was 120 years old. I can remember only four generations together in our family.
Chances are good that you don't live too close to your Grandparents. Mobility has some costs and one of them is missing out on time with previous generations. A phone call works. And so does a letter. Perhaps they even do email. Make a connection again to the older generations in your family.
When you get together with them and have some time, video tape some conversations with them about the family from the past. At our last family reunion we taped the whole bunch of oldest siblings, starting the conversation and then letting it progress with lots of "remember when" stories. Those stories tell us where we have been and a lot about who we are.
Chances are good that you don't live too close to your Grandparents. Mobility has some costs and one of them is missing out on time with previous generations. A phone call works. And so does a letter. Perhaps they even do email. Make a connection again to the older generations in your family.
When you get together with them and have some time, video tape some conversations with them about the family from the past. At our last family reunion we taped the whole bunch of oldest siblings, starting the conversation and then letting it progress with lots of "remember when" stories. Those stories tell us where we have been and a lot about who we are.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Family Meetings
Family meetings are a very simple but very powerful tool in building strong families and can get at all six of the areas of family strengths.
They can be regular or intermittent and can happen with just the husband and wife before kids, or with kids when they are able to talk and listen.
Some guidelines:
1) Pick a place and time so people are prepared ahead of time, and when people can be at their best, not too tired or distracted.
2) Have meetings even when there is no "big issue" to talk about. If family meetings only deal with heavy agenda items the energy for them will be low.
3) Have a familiar agenda each time, and give everyone an opportunity to add to the agenda.
4) Start with some simple warm-up sharing to get the conversation flowing: a high from the past week; a low from the past week.
5) Give everyone a chance to talk.
6) Use the "around the circle" method; someone starts and then everyone shares, one at a time around the circle.
7) Be sure to leave enough time for any important things that need to be talked about.
8) Use these meetings as a great time to practice the listening and talking skills you are teaching.
They can be regular or intermittent and can happen with just the husband and wife before kids, or with kids when they are able to talk and listen.
Some guidelines:
1) Pick a place and time so people are prepared ahead of time, and when people can be at their best, not too tired or distracted.
2) Have meetings even when there is no "big issue" to talk about. If family meetings only deal with heavy agenda items the energy for them will be low.
3) Have a familiar agenda each time, and give everyone an opportunity to add to the agenda.
4) Start with some simple warm-up sharing to get the conversation flowing: a high from the past week; a low from the past week.
5) Give everyone a chance to talk.
6) Use the "around the circle" method; someone starts and then everyone shares, one at a time around the circle.
7) Be sure to leave enough time for any important things that need to be talked about.
8) Use these meetings as a great time to practice the listening and talking skills you are teaching.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Listening and Talking
Perhaps the single area that you can gain the most benefit from with a little improvement is communication. How you say things and how you listen make a big difference in the tone of a relationship.
Much has been written over the years about both. I have found the most useful approach is to work on listening first (two ears) and then on sending clear messages (only one mouth).
LISTENING. Over the years the single best skill has been called lots of things: Active Listening (from the old Parent Effectiveness material), Reflective Listening, and the one I like the best because it reminds me of how to do it in the name is Drive-Through Listening (from Gary Smalley). Fairly easy to describe but harder to remember to do. The skill is basically doing a short recap of what the person said to be sure you heard accurately. And best to learn with your children. Kids from a very early age can learn the skill and when everyone knows it you can be helpful to each other in practicing, that is doing it.
TALKING. Not too difficult to do when the emotional level is low. Much harder as the emotional level rises. The best skill for sending clear messages is called "I" messages. Strongly emotional messages that start with "I" sound less threatening than when they start with "you".
I like the four part "I" message:
1) I feel (identify the emotion you are feeling)
2) ...when you (identify the specific behavior you are concerned about)
3) ...because (identify how it affects you directly)
4) ...and here's what I would like instead (what is the behavior you were expecting)
Here is a link for some practice examples.
Much has been written over the years about both. I have found the most useful approach is to work on listening first (two ears) and then on sending clear messages (only one mouth).
LISTENING. Over the years the single best skill has been called lots of things: Active Listening (from the old Parent Effectiveness material), Reflective Listening, and the one I like the best because it reminds me of how to do it in the name is Drive-Through Listening (from Gary Smalley). Fairly easy to describe but harder to remember to do. The skill is basically doing a short recap of what the person said to be sure you heard accurately. And best to learn with your children. Kids from a very early age can learn the skill and when everyone knows it you can be helpful to each other in practicing, that is doing it.
TALKING. Not too difficult to do when the emotional level is low. Much harder as the emotional level rises. The best skill for sending clear messages is called "I" messages. Strongly emotional messages that start with "I" sound less threatening than when they start with "you".
I like the four part "I" message:
1) I feel (identify the emotion you are feeling)
2) ...when you (identify the specific behavior you are concerned about)
3) ...because (identify how it affects you directly)
4) ...and here's what I would like instead (what is the behavior you were expecting)
Here is a link for some practice examples.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Children haven't changed
I just finished up leading a parenting class using the series "Value Packed Parenting" from Dr Kevin Leman. A great series, one of many from Dr. Leman. The last session was on handling the influence of the internet and media. The discussion was wide ranging and included cell phones, video games, the internet, movies, etc. One thing that became clear was that kids have not changed much. They still want to get away for some privacy and to visit with their friends on their own. That is a good thing, as they develop into their own person. It can also be a time when they experiment with dangerous things and do things they shouldn't be doing. Always a concern for parents.
The thing that has changed is that now they can get that privacy with their peers - and others you as parent may never have met - right in their own house on the cell phone or computer. Calls come in on vibrate; calls go out (used to be one phone hooked up to a jack in the wall somewhere central in the house); lots of messages sent and received on the computer...and our kids has never left the house!
Another things has not changed: the need for parents to be involved in their kids lives and the need kids have for rules and limits. Have the computer in a central room with the screen facing so everyone can see (good also for the temptations parents face!). Have cell phones kept in a central location so the use is monitored. It will help your kids learn appropriate levels of use and it will help you keep tabs on who they are talking to, when, and for how long.
The thing that has changed is that now they can get that privacy with their peers - and others you as parent may never have met - right in their own house on the cell phone or computer. Calls come in on vibrate; calls go out (used to be one phone hooked up to a jack in the wall somewhere central in the house); lots of messages sent and received on the computer...and our kids has never left the house!
Another things has not changed: the need for parents to be involved in their kids lives and the need kids have for rules and limits. Have the computer in a central room with the screen facing so everyone can see (good also for the temptations parents face!). Have cell phones kept in a central location so the use is monitored. It will help your kids learn appropriate levels of use and it will help you keep tabs on who they are talking to, when, and for how long.
Family Strengths
Stinnett and DeFrain did some studies around family strengths back in the 70's at the University of Nebraska and there work still stands up today. They identified six areas that are displayed when families identify themselves as a strong family. The areas are:
-enjoy time together
-communicate effectively with each other
-show appreciation and affection for each other
-demonstrate commitment to each other
-have a strong spiritual dimension
-manage stress and crisis effectively
Strong families don't just happen but neither are they frustratingly impossible to achieve. Good news - all six of the areas Stinnett identified can be improved with effort and a desire to grow. Check out the Labels area for ideas and resources in each of the areas.
-enjoy time together
-communicate effectively with each other
-show appreciation and affection for each other
-demonstrate commitment to each other
-have a strong spiritual dimension
-manage stress and crisis effectively
Strong families don't just happen but neither are they frustratingly impossible to achieve. Good news - all six of the areas Stinnett identified can be improved with effort and a desire to grow. Check out the Labels area for ideas and resources in each of the areas.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Ability or Effort?
I came across an article that was studying the cultural differences between Japan and the U.S. in the area of child rearing practices (back in 1986). The study was looking at commitment and perseverance as well as effort and ability and how the two cultures approached these values differently. Japanese mothers and children seemed to place more emphasis on effort and American mothers and children seemed to place more emphasis on ability, at least at that time.
Effort or ability? It is not one or the other. I just had a conversation with my youngest son about those two concepts. The focus of the conversation was to bring the two of them together - give your best effort in order to maximize your ability. Ability is somewhat out of our hands. You have what you are born with. Effort maximizes what you have, and stretches you beyond what you thought you had! The place where I don't do so well is to motivate, to encourage the effort positively so energy is high. The balance between affirming the effort and challenging to stretch.
What you say depends a bit on the age of the child, but initiate a conversation with your child about ability and effort. What do they see as their strengths - and weaknesses? Is it easier to put effort into the strong areas or the weak areas? How do you "measure" effort? Who measures it?
Effort or ability? It is not one or the other. I just had a conversation with my youngest son about those two concepts. The focus of the conversation was to bring the two of them together - give your best effort in order to maximize your ability. Ability is somewhat out of our hands. You have what you are born with. Effort maximizes what you have, and stretches you beyond what you thought you had! The place where I don't do so well is to motivate, to encourage the effort positively so energy is high. The balance between affirming the effort and challenging to stretch.
What you say depends a bit on the age of the child, but initiate a conversation with your child about ability and effort. What do they see as their strengths - and weaknesses? Is it easier to put effort into the strong areas or the weak areas? How do you "measure" effort? Who measures it?
Getting Started
This will be a blog focused on helping families build on strengths and identify new ones. Families are the building blocks of a society - build the families and you build the society. There will be links to helpful resources and posts on a variety of topics that are important to strong families. I hope it will be helpful to many!
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